Why Can't We Have A Decent Treasure Island Movie?? Thoughts On Casting, Etc.

So, this evening, I just watched Disney's Treasure Planet for the very first time. Yes I know it was released in 2002...don't judge me. While I was watching it, I started wondering: is there a "good" movie version of the actual book? I have seen the Muppet version, but I have always felt that R.L.Stevenson's Treasure Island deserves a movie that is not Muppet-ized or Disney cartoon-ized.

Naturally, I hopped on IMDb to see what was up. It looks like there have been plenty of adaptations of the book: 1990, 1998, and most recently, a TV movie made in 2012, but none of these look exactly wonderful (correct me if I'm wrong, I mean, I haven't actually seen any of them). They either look old or badly produced. The 1990 one could be interesting, looks like the best bet for a decent film, but it is 30 years old (nothing wrong with that but I feel like an updated version is in order).

The 2012 version basically relies on the fact that Elijah Wood plays Ben Gunn, which is horribly miscast (again, don't get me wrong, Elijah Wood is a great actor, but Ben Gunn is NOT his character). 2012 also looks much less family-friendly than any other adaptation, which I don't think was Stevenson's intent: I think he was intending his story to be read by adults and children, though of course I'm no expert. And, of course, there is fighting, it's a pirate movie--there's going to be a little violence, but can we keep it at a Pirates of the Carribean style of violence, please? (Plus, it's a TV movie...not a feature film.)

So hear me out: a new, feature-length production of Treasure Island that is accurate to the book, well done, and has good acting. Is that too much to ask? Probably, since I'm not a Hollywood producer....

Of course I have to share my ideas on casting, etc...because what would be a movie idea without casting ideas????? What would be the point????

Let's start off with the protagonist, Jim Hawkins. He's about 15, a good kid, works hard, needs a father figure in his life, and of course he has to be a precious cinnamon roll who must be protected. He seems like a really sweet kid who gains courage and agency throughout the story. I know a lot of you are thinking "Tom Holland, Tom Holland!!!"

To that, I say:

Mr. Tom Holland is not correct for Jim Hawkins, I'm sorry. My idea is actually someone around his age, but not quite as famous. You remember Bard's son from The Hobbit? 

Remember???? This guy??? 

That's who I think of as Jim Hawkins: John Bell. He's grown a bit since The Hobbit, but still has a very young face, and I think he could pull of a 15-year-old pretty well. He's a blond in real life, which is a no from me, Jim is a brunette OBVIOUSLY, but ya know...that sort of thing is easily changed in the movie industry. 

On to the next characters, Dr. Livesey and Squire Trelawney. You'll have to forgive me because I haven't read the book in a While, but I'm remembering him being a kind, logical, serious, and competent fellow...of course, I'm going to cast someone who I think could fill that role very well. He isn't too young or too old, and I think he's played enough heroic main characters (or villains...). It's time for Tom Hiddleston to step into a logical, gentle mentor role as the kind doctor. 

As for Squire Trelawney, I feel like he's kind of the rich sponsor of their adventure, the one who is all excited about setting out but really doesn't know how to go about the mission...he gives them money and decides to tag along, basically. So, I'm thinking that Dan Stevens could perform a somewhat clueless, cheerful sponsor. 

I know this is from Sense and Sensibility, but still...

All right, on to Captain Smollet! He is a competent, shrewd sailor who is hired (by Trelawney and Livesey) to captain the hired crew and the ship. He recognizes most of the crew as the pirates that they are and is uncomfortable from day one, but still faithfully does his duty. I'm thinking Martin Freeman for this role. 

This leads us to the exceedingly tricky task of trying to pin down an actor for Long John Silver. He is a pirate in every way. HOWEVER, he also becomes a sort of father figure to Jim, at least for a while. He's a Bad Guy, but he's not totally evil. He is also brilliant in a pirate-y way, and people listen to him. I think that Matthew McConaughey would do a great job capturing both Long John's villainous side and his soft side. In addition, he also has the kind of molasses-drawling voice that I imagine Long John would use to cajole people into joining his side. 

From the 2012 film Mud, which I have not seen

Billy Bones is one of the trickiest to cast, I think. He's an old, washed-up pirate who ends up spending his last days alive in Jim's mother's inn, hiding from the black spot. He's gruff, refuses to pay bills for his excessive drinking, and eventually dies in the inn, leaving behind the treasure map that spurs the whole adventure. I'm almost tempted to cast Liam Neeson, but I am really unsure about this one. Also, using Sean Bean as the "haunted guy who dies" is just cliche and I could never live with that...

AH-HA! Andy Serkis as Billy Bones!

Before the only female character in the film (Mrs. Hawkins), I think that the role of Ben Gunn, a marooned sailor/ex-pirate who is able to start a new life, belongs to Mark Ruffalo. I'm not totally sure why, but the role seems to fit him.

And lastly, Mrs. Hawkins, Jim's mother. This is actually not a huge part, but it is central to Jim's character, and so she is important. I would like to see Emily Watson as Jim's mother. She has a motherly face, but can pull of the matter-of-fact, shrewd personality required by a woman running an inn with only her son's help. 

Also here's a quick collage putting all of the pictures together...I literally threw this post together so I apologize for how haphazard it is! 

So there we have it, folks! These are just my ideas for a new Treasure Island  movie...any thoughts? 

The Fantastical and Felicitous Character Blog Tag

Well, today I have another tag for you all!

I have been tagged by Natalie for this one, so thank you!! :) Let's dive right in...I'm eager to get this done because it's all about fictional characters...and I always love talking about them. :D

Rules:
•Answer every question honestly. 
•Use as many gifs and images as possible. *ehehehe*
•Incorporate at least one YouTube video with a favorite scene of a character.
•NO VAGUE ANSWERS ALLOWED. Explain why you chose that favorite character to fit that description. I love details, my friends.
•If you can’t choose just one, that’s okay – give us a few answers and geek out if that’s what it takes.
•Tag at least 3 people.
•Use fictional characters from any fictional story.
•If you get nominated and/or decide to participate in this tag, please put a link back to this post in your post and credit yours truly (Emily at The Altogether Unexpected, *whose original post is excellent*) as the creator.
•Have fun and obsess over fictional characters! 

*consults Pinterest, my bookshelf, and the furthest reaches of my movie-watching history*

Goody-two-shoes: A character who was just so morally good

Good old Mr. Knightley...he is such a GOOD person that the extent of his goodness is almost unrealistic, if you know what I mean. Of course, I still think he's a wonderful character. He is always watching out for everyone at once, but isn't afraid to give people what-for if they are being stupid. ("Badly done, Emma!") And when he dances with Harriet at the ball, when nobody else dances with her and she's so lonely....awwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Heartbreaker: A character who made you cry?

I am ashamed to admit this, but Miguel and Mama Coco from Pixar's Coco made me sob like a BABY. It was so beautiful but also so heartbreaking, and I love it...the way he simply picks up the guitar and sings, and how she remembers it....*sobbing* It really hit home. 

*weeping*

Parrot: A character who won’t stop talking

Holdo (she doesn't even deserve the title of "admiral" or "vice-admiral") from The Last Jedi. 

Now, she doesn't talk and talk and talk in the sense that Sid the Sloth does. But when she DOES talk, she takes things way too far. She says the wrong things at the wrong time and refuses to tell people the right things, the things that would help their situation. For instance...had she told Poe what her real plan was, he wouldn't have gone gangsta on her. Instead, she insulted him to his face and told him to leave. So rude. 

Devilish: Your favorite villain

Aw yessss!! I enjoy well-written villains, and there are a plethora. Saruman, Loki, Iago...I know the original post had Iago, so I won't steal that, though.  And even though Loki is is Fantastic, I think I'm going to be a little bit unconventional and pick...Megamind. 

Now, I know that TECHNICALLY, Megamind turned good in the end..."he was just a silly and misunderstood person," you may say. 

However, hear me out:  at the beginning of the movie, he is breaking out of prison, where he is supposed to serve multiple life sentences. We aren't sure exactly what he has done, but things have been blown up, Roxanne Ritchie has been kidnapped many, many times, and everybody knows that Megamind is a terrible villain. As soon as their hero is gone, they stop treating him like a joke, and we see the city in terrible ruin after Megamind takes control. 

Therefore, he is, in fact, a villain - a SUPER one.

Love interest: A character who, if alive in reality, you would want to marry

Now, this is a tricky one. Before I answer, let me make it clear that I am married, have been since last July, and there is no fictional character EVER who I would choose over my dear husband, who is a fantastic individual and my favorite person. Not if I had a chance to make a character real would I choose another man to marry. 

So, with that being said...

I'm currently studying the movie Interstellar for a screenwriting class and falling more in love with the film every time I watch it or read the screenplay or do any research. Cooper (which is his last name but they never use his first, which is, we think, Joseph) is simply a wonderful character. He's not a simple character, but the way that he loves his children!!! *sniffs heavily* I know he's not a "conventional heartthrob," but I have a soft spot for characters who are good fathers and loyal husbands. Cooper wears his dead wife's wedding ring all throughout the movie, sacrifices himself to save his kids, and is a super intelligent, down-to-earth guy. 

(Quick side note...my actual, real husband is also a loyal, intelligent, down-to-earth guy....HMMMM)

Here are two of my favorite scenes from the movie to illustrate--the first one is just before he sets off on a mission in space to save the world. The second is when he has been in space for over 20 years (due to time relativity and wormholes, I won't get into it, but now he and his daughter are the same age galaxies apart) and now gets to see the messages collected for him. You can see his love for his children on his face, and it's heartbreaking. (his angry daughter calls him something rude in the second one, and I apologize for that) 

"I love you forever, you hear me? I love you forever...and I'm comin' back." 

Sidekick: A character who was always loyal no matter what

:) :) :) :) 

Honestly, John Watson is THE SWEETEST and most noble, loyal sidekick ever. Yes, he grumps about Sherlock and is often annoyed, but he's always there, ready to help out. And this isn't just in Sherlock (I just happen to like Martin Freeman's Watson the best of all the Watsons), this is in every (almost) iteration of John Watson I have seen: annoyed, frustrated, but still always there to give a selfless helping hand. I found this picture of Sherlock and Watson in Tim Burton-esque art, and I thought it was rather well done. 

Complicated: A character you love and hate

Jack Sparrow...mainly because of his moral ambiguity. I mean, he is a pirate...a criminal, thief, drunkard, womanizer...but then, in the end, he always turns around and does something unexpectedly kind and Good. Plus, he's just absolutely hilarious, quirky, and fun, and I do love characters like that. 

Queen: A female character who you admire and aspire to emulate

Minerva McGonagall!!!! She really is a fantastic person...one of the only really great characters in the Harry Potter series, honestly. She's clever, strong, confident, a good teacher, and, although stern, has a soft heart underneath a tough exterior. 

Plus, her snarky sarcasm is absolutely the best...I can only hope to be such a clever and revered old woman someday. 

Savior: A character who oddly reminds you of Christ

Sydney Carton from A Tale of Two Cities. The end of the book is a beautiful one, worthy of a few shed tears. Now, the thing is, Sydney isn't a "good" person. In most of the book, he is one of the least Christ-like characters in the story. But at the very end, he demonstrates amazing sacrificial love for his friends, and through that he realizes the sacrifice that Jesus made to save him, which kind of brings Sydney to salvation and calls him out of his sinful nature, into peace that can only be found in Jesus. Even as Sydney is beheaded, marching to the guillotine, he has a praise in his heart for Jesus and is not ashamed or afraid to die for his friends. 

All right, that's that! Thanks again, Natalie! Now to tag three other people....

Rakayle Hier
MovieCritic
and
MiddleEarthMusician

Have fun, everybody! :D


Goody-two-shoes: A character who was just so morally good

Heartbreaker: A character who made you cry?

Parrot: A character who won’t stop talking
Devilish: Your favorite villain
Love interest: A character who, if alive in reality, you would want to marry
Sidekick: A character who was always loyal no matter what
Complicated: A character you love and hate
Queen/King: A female/male character who you admire and aspire to emulate
Savior: A character who oddly reminds you of Christ

The Incorrigible Children of Ashton Place (series)--Maryrose Wood

Recently I have sort of stumbled upon a new favorite (by favorite, I mean one of my favorite) book series. This is quite a pleasant turn of events, and since that Hardly Ever happens, I thought that I ought to spread the word! Most of you know that I work at a local library, and I happened to pick up this children's book out of curiosity, read it, and immediately fell in love, so to speak! 

The series name is The Incorrigible Children of Ashton Place by Maryrose Wood; comprised of six books following the Adventures of Miss Penelope Lumley, the governess and graduate of the Swanburne Academy for Poor Bright Females, as well as her three highly unique students. 

I was expecting something along the lines of Mary Poppins or maybe children with special powers or something like that. However, I was delightfully surprised! But before I let my excitement run away with the post, let me organize and categorize my opinions....

"A well-organized stocking drawer 

is the first step toward a well-organized mind." 

-The Mysterious Howling

Writing Quality//Overall Goodness: 

Absolutely wonderful! Mrs. Wood has an excellently quirky and unique voice and tone in her writing which makes it enjoyable to read; it doesn't sound like every other children's book out there. She throws in bits of historical "Easter Eggs," and writes in a way that is both intelligent and fun. I absolutely love the main character, Penelope. Her sensible and practical character is one that I, as an oldest sister with four little siblings, can sort of relate to as she basically takes care of her three wards. There is so much value placed on education and reading, "book learning" of the classical sort that studies art, Shakespeare, mathematics, and poetry! As someone who grew up with a "classical" education, I really appreciate it...there is some truth to the saying "if you can read, you can do anything," and this series would seem to support that. It also is in support for present parenting and critiques silly, fluffy people whose entire personalities are based around wanting to simply have "stuff" and look good. 

The writing puts a lot of emphasis on the importance of being able to think critically, interact with people politely, and "Don't Panic." There are also lots of fun, pithy little sayings from the founder of Penelope's Alma Mater which are, many of them, quite memorable and will stick around in your brain helpfully always. Basically, I felt that this book was so worth reading that I have been recommending it left and right. I also appreciate how Mrs. Wood seems to be quietly supporting the idea of homeschooling small groups of children (I believe she was a homeschool mother at one point, though I could be mistaken). She has discussion guides and educational resources on her website and a new project called the Swanburne Academy, which, if I remember right, is an online resource for parents and children, a resource of the educational sort, which is actually really cool! 

(Also the artwork is adorable and fun!) 

"Nothing good was ever learned from eavesdropping, 

so mind your business and let others mind theirs." 

-The Mysterious Howling

Reading Level//Age Range//Content: 

The reading level itself is suitable for anyone from fifth grade level and up. Like I said, it is written intelligently, but not in a stuffy, academic way. I don't think there is any content to caution against; any language mentioned is mentioned as "language very unsuitable for a young governess" or something like that. Just about anyone old enough to understand what is going on will enjoy these books (and possibly benefit from them as well). 

"This practice of overstating the case is called hyperbole. 

Hyperbole is usually harmless, 

but in some cases it has been known to 

precipitate unnecessary wars as well as 

a painful gaseous condition 

called stock market bubbles." 

-The Mysterious Howling

Parting Thoughts: 

I usually don't give books such shining reviews. But these books are definitely new favorites. I would recommend them to anyone, really! And with that, I hope you enjoy them as much as I did! 

"Feeling one ought to apologize is 

not quite the same thing 

as saying 'I am sorry' " 

-The Hidden Gallery

"There is power in words used accurately and well, 

and tragedy and missed train connections in words used carelessly." 

-The Unseen Guest

"Busy hands and idle minds have knitted many a sweater;  Busy minds and idle hands have knitted many a brow."  -The Unseen Guest

The Star Wars Character Tag!!!

Well, as you can probably tell, this post is a filling out of the Star Wars Character Tag, for which I was tagged by the lovely MiddleEarthMusician a while ago! According to rule #4, the "Sorta Rule," I need to treat her to a pizza dinner at my favorite pizza chain, so here are some Lego stormtroopers delivering your dinner, Mem!!! 

(photo from Pinterest)

Now here we go! 

The rules…

1. THERE ARE NO RULES.
2. Refer To Number 1.
3. There is one absolute rule: You MUST use your own characters (OCs) for this tag. (Brownie points if you add pictures of your characters.)
4. The Sorta Rule: Scream a huge thank you to whoever tagged you for this whilst treating them to a pizza dinner at your favorite pizza chain. 
5. The Kinda Rule: Include This Link In The Post So That The Penny Can Read Everyone’s Answers To This Smol Strange Tag: https://asouthernbellewithstoriestotell.wordpress.com/2019/02/18/the-star-wars-character-tag-i-made-my-own-tag-halp/
6. The Rule That’s Not Really A Rule But It Would Be Great: Include The Graphic and Tag at Least Three Jedi or Sith Lords.

#1 Who’s your Obi-Wan Kenobi? (sassy, a great mentor, but can be a bit strict)

Lehye'ahl, I think...he's a little more of a jerk (okay, a LOT more of a jerk) than Obi-Wan, but  he's definitely sassy and strict. He would also be a great mentor (if he had anyone to mentor, that is, most of the people he could have mentored died, hehehehe). 

#2 Who’s your Leia Organa? (feisty, incredible comebacks, does their own thing)

Dehmatthir...he totally fits all of those categories.

#3 Who’s your Finn? (overeager, adorable, cinnamon roll)

Lutea Coggins (who I have a picture for but have not officially "cast" yet). She is a small person filled with the cheeriest personality ever and can also be TOO bubbly at times...however she will not hesitate to Fight You to defend her friends or family. 

#4 Who’s your Padme? (kind, loving, but also kickbutt)

Jorgen, a young and gentle dwarf who smiles a lot but has excellent skills. He hates fighting but does it when necessary, and is also a great cook.

#5 Who’s your Count Dooku? (deliciously evil, extra, and sick burns)

Well...I don't know...none of my villains really fit that category. None of my characters at ALL fit that category....*frowns* I need more villains, apparently. *making a note to work on that* 

#6 Who’s your BB-8? (too cute, everyone loves them, can do no wrong)

Darot...now, this little fellow experienced a great deal of emotional and psychological trauma at a young age and never really recovered from it (that sounds super insensitive and rude to say, but it's true). He has remained a living ray of sunshine and childlike happiness in all of his friends' lives. 

#7 Who’s your Yoda? (underestimated, extra, wise)

Amris...this elf...is too smart for his own good. He knows something about everything and is always ready with some sort of an answer for any question. 

#8 Who’s your Anakin Skywalker?  (bratty, rebellious, whiny)

Eyellyn. This character is a female dwarf who is somewhat the guardian and parent figure to her younger siblings. She can be extremely grumpy, rebellious, and isn't much for giving her companions explanations or information. She doesn't Whine so much as Complain, but you know, it's close enough. 

#9 Who’s your C3-PO? (always worrying, gives depressing information, constantly wailing)

Colderan, definitely! He doesn't MEAN to be a Nervous Nellie, but he has a very soft heart and doesn't want anyone to get hurt. This of course means that warnings come very often from him and he has to make sure that everyone knows the odds. 

#10 Who’s your Luke Skywalker? (hero, has been through a lot, has their share of flaws)

Prince Rhondin!! He is one of my favorite main characters, a young man who....well...he goes through a lot. But somehow he still stays cheerful and bright throughout it all. :) :) 

Bonus #11 which I have made up to add since my answer for #5 was pathetic: Who's your Han Solo? (calls people "kid," has traveled, "I'm making this up as I go" planning)

Ateke, who is an elf and a great friend (and brother-in-law) of the aforementioned Lehye'ahl. However, they are totally different personality-wise and it's kind of surprising that they get along...(oh also I've decided that he would be excellent played by Elijah Wood)

Well, that was fun! :D Thank you so much again, Mem!!!! Ah yes, and as far as tagging goes...hmmmmmmmmm....literally anybody who wants to do this tag. If you own a toy lightsaber, consider yourself tagged!!!!! 

Marvel Movies 2008-2018

I think I was always aware of the Marvel hype in the media as movie after movie came out and posters filled the grocery stores. But I never actually watched any of the movies until last summer, when I immediately realized "wow these are actually really good" and commenced to watch all but three of them since July 2018...

After watching all of those, I have finally now decided to give each of them a little mini-review, but keep all the reviews in this one post covering the movies from 2008-2018 (except for The Incredible Hulk and the two Guardians of the Galaxy movies; I have not seen those so naturally they are excluded). I'm rating each film based on QUALITY (my reaction to the film) and CONTENT. For content, I would suggest you check the IMDb parents' guide, since my memory is faulty and that way you know exactly what is in it, but I am just giving a general idea of how old I would recommend viewers to be in order to see these without Clearplay or another filtering service. The titles are all linked to the IMDb pages for each respective film.

And so...in what (I think) is chronological order, here we go!

Captain America: The First Avenger

Quality: 

I loved this one. The WWII context was really well portrayed, and, as we are first introduced to Steve, Bucky, Peggy, and the Stark family, I think they did a great job of helping us really get to know the characters and the historical context behind some of them. Also, Small Steve is quite amusing...or at least I thought so! I enjoyed the friendship between Steve, Bucky, and their other buddies...though soldier buddies always make me happy...

Content:

This is a war movie. It feels more like a World War II film than a superhero film at some times, but the two meld together pretty well. Since it is a war movie it gets a little intense at times, but I would probably rate it age 16+

Iron Man

Quality:

This...has to my my favorite Iron Man film. As much of a terrible playboy self-centered jerk Tony Stark is, I cannot help but love his character and constantly root for him. I think that part of why I like Tony/Iron Man so much is because his powers didn't come from a serum, or a radioactive accident, or were magically granted him--he needed that arc reactor to keep his heart going and stay alive, and used his brain and his imagination to save his life and then turned right back around to try and help the people that he had previously been hurting.  There is something of an underdog story in Tony, even though he's a famous, genius billionaire. Also, Robert Downey Jr...is SUPERB in this role. I know it's been said thousands of times already, but he was absolutely perfect as Iron Man. He portrayed a character who should never be likeable (based on his attitude and actions) as someone that everyone adores, which, I imagine, is hard to do. Anyway. It was a great film. 

Content: 

This one I watched with someone who knew where the *one ubiquitous scene that must be skipped to preserve decency* was, so we skipped that. Check out the IMDb page to get the details on content, but personally I would prefer not to watch that 10-second scene that they HAD to put in there to depict what a womanizer Tony is (was), and I don't think it is necessary to include. However, this was the start of the franchise, and, unfortunately, adding that scene sells the movie to some people. Aside from that scene, I would say probably 16+ for this film. 

Iron Man 2

Quality: 

I did not enjoy this one as much as IM1, but it was still decent. It addresses the question (for Tony) "what would you do if you had only a week to live?" Naturally, he lives it up, being a billionaire with a special flying suit that he can play with whenever he wants. Also, he eats lots of doughnuts, apparently. (Because, honestly, how else do you cope with a bad chemical spreading throughout your body and slowly killing you?) Naturally, this movie deals with the aftermath from the first one, now that Tony is Iron Man and has to keep up appearances while he is actually dying. He doesn't tell anyone (not even Pepper) that he is dying, and it takes a visit from the S.H.I.E.L.D. agents (Nick Fury and Natasha Romanoff) to get him to stop flying around and sitting in giant donuts. Although Tony is a little bit (again) of a jerk in this one, he does turn things around once again at the end. And he saves the world again, as well as finding a way to save his own life, so that's good. 

Content: 

My biggest complaint is the way that Tony "lives it up," so to speak. He knows he's dying, so he throws a huge party in which he 1. abuses his use of the Iron Man suit and makes it into entertainment. 2. doesn't listen to Pepper or to Rhodey, who know that he needs help and try to stop him from shaming himself so publicly. 3. is rather drunk. 4. has a lot of women around in this party. I felt that there were a bit too many women in this film, and they all seemed to be very flirty and seductive. I don't think that's right. In one way, it does serve to characterize Tony and is (thankfully) not portrayed as a good thing, but really? The audience doesn't need to see all this. Also, Natasha's character is MUCH more flirty in this than in any of the Avengers films, which was disappointing to me. I liked her alright in the rest of the films, but in this one she didn't have as fleshed out of a character. I would say maybe 17+ for this one.

Thor

Quality: 

Now, while the Iron Man and Captain America franchises are good because of the story and the plots, the characters and stuff, the Thor films are just plain FUN. They have a much more fantasy/sci-fi feel to them, much less realistic and maybe easier to just sit back and relax, enjoy the ride, if you know what I mean. I absolutely love the sibling (well...adopted sibling) dynamic between Thor and Loki, in all 3 films. I think that's my favorite part. They hate each other (well, Loki hates Thor), they fight and yell and scream at each other, but at the end of the day? You know they'll end up helping each other out. 

Content: 

I felt like the only thing that kind of annoyed me was that they HAD to get a shirtless scene in where Thor's amazing muscles are somewhat objectified. 

*grumbles*

*stands on soap box*

THIS IS UNNECESSARY

*jumps down*

Age? I would say maybe 14+

The Avengers

Quality: 

This is one of my favorites. The solo movies of different heroes are good, but when they're all together??? That's the best. They save the world through the power of friendship. (Well, not really...) But I just like this one a lot; it establishes characters and themes, introduces us to people, and really sets up way more of the universe than we have seen in the previous films. The interaction of a team of such different people is amusing, I think, and the villain is convincing (well, most of Marvel's villains are convincing, but that struck me the first time I watched it). 

Content: 

Personally, I don't feel like there's too much that anyone 14+ could not handle. Again, check the IMDb parents' guide for details. 

Iron Man 3

Quality: 

So...this is mainly a movie about Tony dealing with the PTSD from what happened in The Avengers, and, in my opinion, they did a great job of showing that on film. I really appreciated his friendship with Rhodey and how everyone is TRYING to help him--even the little boy Harley, who he befriends while stranded in the middle of Tennessee. This movie kind of took Tony back to the beginning--stranded alone with hardly anything to get himself out of a jam, until Harley says "why don't you just build something?" and Tony finally gets himself together and goes to face the Mandarin (a terrorist-like villain), reclaim Pepper, and stop the bombs that are detonating across the country. 

Content: 

The whole "terrorist" and bombing stuff is a little dark and disturbing. Trying not to give much away, it turns out that the true mastermind is someone experimenting with turning human beings into explosives--human bombs with bodies that rebuild themselves eventually. These human bombs are a little gruesome to watch, and there's a lot of death and exploding stuff in this one. There are still girls running around suggestively in this, although THANK GOODNESS Tony has FINALLY got himself together and doesn't seem distracted by them, with eyes only for Pepper, though they still aren't married, which is a little frustrating. Check the IMDb page--I would say 17+ for this one. 

Thor: The Dark World

(So what's the deal, there are countless memes about this, but this scene isn't even in the movie is it?)

Quality: 

I did not enjoy this as much as the first Thor movie. It was decent, and entertaining, but it just seemed very predictable in plot. Also, I am not a fan of Natalie Portman (there, I said it...an unpopular opinion but I DO NOT like her acting! I've seen her in several films and didn't like her in any of them), and she's a HUGE part of this film, which annoys me. SHE annoys me. *grumbles* However, this was still worth watching. There are some hilarious bits, mostly when Thor and Loki are bantering--honestly, they could do away with all the evil threats and Jane's sciency stuff, just give me a movie which is entirely the brothers bantering and bickering, and I'd watch it gladly! 

Content: 

YES we get it...Thor is one muscular dude! NO we do not need another shirtless scene to verify that! 

Actually it's not as objectifying as the first movie, I'm just fed up with it. Ahem. Anyway, aside from that,  a news report plays on the TVs throughout the movie of a crazy man who runs around without clothes--it's censored/pixelated like you would see on TV but kind of an "eye-roll they didn't really need that" moment. I would say 15+ on this one--Jane's (intern? friend? distant cousin?) Darcy is a bit of a potty-mouth, but in her defense there are portals appearing between different worlds, which I'm sure is shocking. 

Captain America: The Winter Soldier

Quality: 

This...this was sad. I LOVED IT.  I thought it was VERY good, probably better than the first Captain America movie. I thought that the return of Bucky was pretty amazing, and giving insight to his captivity and the way that he was tortured/brainwashed into submission...VERY poignant, or at least I think so. (But then again I have a soft spot for characters like Bucky Barnes. Always have...)

Content: 

This one is a bit more violent than most of the other Marvel movies. It's not gory, but the sheer amount of hand-to-hand, close range combat (as well as the ruthless, silent violence that The Winter Soldier and his men inflict) is pretty intense. Natasha (who is MUCH better in this than she was in IM2) and Steve don't seem to try to spare anyone pain, they just bash their way through in whatever way possible. There is a very emotional death scene that takes place during an emergency surgery, which was very stressful--not graphic, just stressful. Natasha kisses Steve (which was WEIRD for everyone but okay) in order to provide a disguise, and teases him about finding him a girlfriend, but I think that the thing to take into consideration the most is the sheer violence. I would say probably 17+ on this one. 

Avengers: Age of Ultron

Quite possibly my favorite lines....

Quality:

I don't remember this one as well as I would like, actually. I remember liking it but being VERY frustrated with both Tony Stark and Bruce Banner for creating Ultron. "Oh there's no way this could go wrong."  COME ON GUYS. Aside from that, I liked it. I liked Hawkeye's family/home a lot and it made me happy to see that he actually has a wife and kids, cause when are there actual superheroes who have a wife and kids? Anyway, I liked that. Also, the new characters of Pietro and Wanda are really cool, and Vision...well...he's basically just Google as a person. He's okay. But I think this was a great follow-up to the first Avengers film. 

Content:

I saw this one with Clearplay, so check IMDb for content.

Ant-Man

Quality:

Meh. This was my least favorite. It was "okay" but not that great, I could take it or leave it. Very predictable. I did like Scott's relationship with his daughter Cassie, that was very sweet. But Hope's HAIRCUT! Ugh...I'm sooo glad they changed that in the second one. 

Content:

There was a bit too much casual language in this for my taste. I get that the main characters were mostly in jail for a time and lived a rough life, but still...anyway, I don't really know what age I'd recommend this for...maybe 16+? 

Captain America: Civil War

Quality: 

This is a very frustrating and irritating movie, but I still loved watching it. I know there are LOTS of people who hate it, and yeah, the whole "two superheroes fighting each other" isn't my favorite thing, but you know, I still liked the movie. We got to meet T'Challa (aka Black Panther), who was super-cool, we brought Bucky back, and we met Spiderman as well! I am still torn between Team Cap and Team Iron Man...I have always liked Iron Man better than Captain America, but the thing is that with this particular argument I fall somewhere between the two. I don't want them to sign the Sokovia Accords (and thereby side with the UN, which lots of people hate, though I'm not going to start any political discussions here), and I don't want them to run around like vigilantes, but I want them to be able to go on a quest to bring Bucky back and stay superheroes...so yeah, I'm in the middle. Spiderman was HILARIOUS and very well portrayed, and I thought that even though it was kinda sad to have all the friends teaming up against each other, the movie itself was really well done and worth watching.

Content:

This one I also saw with Clearplay...so I leave it to your discretion. 

Spiderman: Homecoming

Quality: 

Okay, so my family and I were on a kick of watching the animated Spectacular Spiderman series, which was really cheesy but really fun...watching this as a follow-up to that was interesting, just to compare the different incarnations of Spiderman. We had also just seen Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse, and that is honestly one of my favorites, but I will say that Tom Holland's Spiderman is a really good version. He did a great job portraying a superhero who is also a believable teenager, who does stupid things and doesn't really know what he's doing. It was very fun. And of course, since I'm a sucker for father/son relationships (or father figure taking a son figure under his wing), I loved the interaction that Spidey had with Tony Stark. Very nice.

Content: 

Well, all I can say is that they portrayed high-schoolers decently well. They talk trash about each other, tease Peter Parker and the most rude (and somewhat inappropriate) way they can think of, without being particularly clever, and talk amongst themselves about which girl they should ask to homecoming..which one, which one...I would give this a 16+ I think. 

Doctor Strange

Quality: 

The thing that made me sad while watching this movie is that Dr. Strange is a surgeon who loses the ability to use his hands. This does result in a learning curve (since he was really quite a jerk beforehand) and he kinda figures out how to not be a terrible person. It was fun, and the visual effects are really quite amazing, when you think about how much work went into them! I was impressed. I was NOT impressed with Benedict Cumberbatch's American accent though...he should be British. I don't care what role he's in, his voice just sounds like it wants to be British. No offense. But it's true. (Also, the cape/cloak thing? That reminded me of the blanket in Brave Little Toaster...for some odd reason.) 

Content: 

Dr. Steven Strange is a neurosurgeon. If you're like me, a bit squeamish during any surgery/hospital events, then let me reassure you that this does not get graphic at all. The camera is present while he is operating on people and nurses/doctors rush around, handling nasty-looking tools, scalpels, etc., showing each other the X-rays of awful wounds, but there is no actual "surgery" shown. There is an intense car crash, but you totally see it coming beforehand. And if you're sensitive to "voo-doo" stuff, I would say that there are parts of this movie that seem very New Age-y and kinda weird, but it doesn't get too sketchy. There's a bit of language as well, not a lot but a couple strong words. I would say 17+

Thor: Ragnarok

Quality: 

Okay, so remember when I said that I would totally watch a movie based off the sibling snark between Thor and Loki? Well, Marvel basically made that movie. Ragnarok is...well...it's in a class of its own, I think. It was absolutely hilarious, but at the same time I came away feeling like I wasn't sure exactly WHAT I had just watched. Was it a comedy? A drama? An action movie? I'm still not quite sure, but I enjoyed this one a lot. I loved the sibling dynamic, as I always do, and the fact that Bruce Banner was there (he's great), and of course Korg was phenomenally hilarious. Very funny, entertaining, interesting--plus they use the "Pure Imagination" song from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory in the soundtrack so that earned some bonus points for me. This was definitely one of my favorites. I saw Infinity War BEFORE this one, which was a mistake...definitely watch this one first; it leads perfectly into Infinity War. 

Content: 

There was a little more "casual" language in this one, but nothing worse than the other films, I don't think. A couple suggestive moments but nothing explicit. Lots of the violence is almost comedic, and again, is more of a fantasy-type violence than the "ninja" stuff in lots of the other Marvel films. Thor does lose an eye, which is a little gruesome but happens very quickly and is not graphic. ONCE AGAIN he has no shirt for a few scenes, but doesn't seem as objectified as in the other two movies, I didn't think--it didn't annoy me as much. Also, The Hulk has no trousers on in one scene but is shown only from behind and very briefly. Hela (who Cate Blanchett did a fantastic job of portraying) is an extremely evil woman/demoness/goddess of death and some folks might find her disturbing. I would say 17+ for this one. 

Black Panther 

Quality: 

I enjoyed this one a LOT more than I thought I would! To be very bluntly honest, I was expecting a lot of sort of "black lives matter and white folks are bad" propaganda, and, though there was a little of that, it didn't bother me too much at all, which was nice. Now, I'm not saying that "black lives don't matter," because I believe that they definitely do, ALL lives matter the SAME no matter what color your skin is, and we don't need to put any race above any other. YES slavery was bad and white people were cruel to enslave people of another race, but that was ages ago and the people alive now are not the people who were part of the slave trade. It's over and we can't change history. 

Anyway, I was glad that there was a GOOD, POSITIVE white male role model (who was superbly played by Martin Freeman and was also my favorite character) who could get along with the Wakandans and wasn't portrayed as a total jerk. *thumbs up* The soundtrack was great, the characters were very fun, and it was overall a very enjoyable film! Also, Shuri and T'Challa's sibling dynamic is awesome! 

Content: 

Not bad at all. There are some pretty intense moments of hand-to-hand combat/dueling determining the future kind of Wakanda, but nothing too gruesome or disturbing. Andy Serkis plays a very detestable villain (he's good at that I think) who is a little crude, but there is nothing explicit. Shuri gives T'Challa a rude gesture, which is very brief and for which her mother admonishes her. I would say maybe 14/15+

Ant-Man and the Wasp

Quality: 

Definitely improved from the first Ant-Man. Still kinda predictable, but much more funny and interesting to watch, I thought. Cassie was still adorable and had a slightly bigger part, which was great, and Hope finally lost the awful haircut! The villain seemed a little feminist-propaganda-ish to me, but not too much, thankfully. 

Content: 

Better than the first Ant-Man as well, some of the same stuff, but not so much I didn't think. 17+

Avengers: Infinity War

Quality: 

When a main character dies in the first 10 minutes of the movie, you know that bad things are gonna happen. This movie is no exception. It is VERY sad, and kills just about everyone who shouldn't have died (naturally they're coming back in Avengers: Endgame or at least I expect they will somehow). It was a very sad movie, though there are quite a few lighter, funnier moments. I thought it was great. The scene *SPOILERS, THOUGH IT'S BEEN OUT FOR LIKE A YEAR AND I'M SURE YOU ALL KNOW* when Peter dies...that hurt to watch. It was so sad and emotional, and wooooow the acting on both Tom Holland and Robert Downey Jr.'s parts...whew. Painful. Though I didn't need emotional counseling afterwards (it's JUST A MOVIE, it's not REAL), it was a very tragic and sad film. Well done though. Very well done. 

Content: 

Infinity War is...intense. Characters are tortured, stabbed, have their necks broken, are turned to dust...you name it. It's tragic and dark at times, and although the violence isn't super grotesque, it is very intense. There's a little more language than most in this one (thanks to Chris Pratt and his Guardians of the Galaxy; apparently, though he is a very funny person, he likes to make slightly off-color jokes), and it is implied that a couple is living together unmarried, though nothing explicit is spoken of or shown. I'd say 17+ for this. Really lovely movie. Just really intense as well. 

A Final Note About the Use of Crude Language In Film: I am in no way encouraging this. Yes, I watched these. Yes, I enjoyed the films immensely despite the language. No, I am not condoning or excusing the characters from speaking that way, just because I watch it doesn't mean I like that particular element of the movie. The (sad) thing is, I have become much more "desensitized" to somewhat rude language in my time of attending a public university, and these movies, well, what you hear in them is cleaner than what I hear at school all the time. Now, it's still not a GOOD thing, and it still makes me a little disappointed, but, with a mature and discerning audience, I personally don't have any serious problems with watching these movies or movies like them. It's up to your discretion and personal convictions, however. The age ratings I gave these are from my personal perspective, and naturally many of you are going to think differently than I do, and that's totally fine. But this post is my personal response to and thoughts on the films. 

All right, that's it--now that I FINALLY got that post out after like three weeks of drafting and procrastinating, I feel much better about life...:P Now I shall leave you...

What are your thoughts on the Marvel movie franchise?