Snippets From My English Professor

So, what with the semester wrapping up and everyone struggling through finals week, I thought I would share a college-related post that is not related to anything stressful! I have had the great fortune to be in an excellent "Introduction to Literary Studies" class this past semester, with one of my favorite professors to date.

I'm not going to mention any names, but to give you an idea of this professor's character, I will just say that he has been a professor for years at my school, is very passionate about Chaucer, writes on the blackboard in the Black Speech of Mordor to make a point about translation and transliteration (a long story), is technologically challenged, brilliant, and can make a rabbit trail out of anything.

He is also incredibly gifted at delivering pithy, remarkable comments while he is lecturing and discussing literature, and I started writing them down every time he said something funny or clever.

And so, here, I present you with a collection of useful sayings, which you can use to perplex and amuse your friends, relations, and enemies.

***

"I'm not going to read every bit of the syllabus, but I expect you to."


"I have a civic responsibility to point out correct MLA form to you."

*all the dry erase markers are dead*
*accidentally uses Sharpie on the whiteboard and can't erase it*
"I dearly love a chalkboard!"


"We don't say, 'What a slovenly cat.' That would be weird, even for me."


"Why should you use MLA??? Because I'm telling you to!"


"Even though I am always right and occasionally brilliant, I do sometimes cling too strongly to my own opinions."


*using technology*
"I don't like this, but I'm being a good citizen."


*to computer*
"Are you not on, oh strange machine?"


*in response to a comment*
"Yes, but that's not, at the present moment, relevant."


Student: "So how much of the play has to be suffering for it to be a tragedy?"
Professor: "Three minutes and forty-seven seconds...any less than that and you have a comedic tragedy."


Student: "So what's your opinion on 'No-Fear Shakespeare'?"
Professor: *hisses and backs into a corner*


Student: "Nice sweater, Professor."
Professor: "I try."


"You have lured me out into linguistic waters were my knowledge is too shallow."


"Don't ask me a question - brilliant as I am, I do not know everything."


*telling about a past search for plain felt material*
"It was a FABRIC store and they didn't sell FELT! I STILL haven't gotten over it..."


*makes a point*
*long pause*
*raises hand to continue*
"Yes."
*lowers hand*


*after thinking someone raised their hand for a question*
"Then I'm just hallucinating - I do that from time to time."


*talking about the "poppies" scene in The Wizard of Oz*
"Apparently, snow is an antidote to opium - cool!"


*computer brings up no results for an online library search*
"Surely, you jest!"


"No!"
*stands on chair*
"NO! That's not how professional literary analysis works!!"


*talking about his job as a professor*
"We aren't paid to remember things."


"And today we make lots of typos..."


"I'm not completely convinced, but you make a strong argument."


*on seeing former students outside of class*
"I will forget your name...but I will know exactly who you are."

***

And there you have it! I hope you enjoyed the excellent sayings of my English professor...now to leave you with one last quote...used to dismiss the class on one occasion: 

"Go swing for the fences, my metaphorical children!"